Always a Goblin, Never a Ghoul
kim | 31 October, 2005 21:12
OMG, tonight I had to do someone famous for a famous person's party as Liza, before she was with a Z or with some E, but with her first gay husband Peter Allen. Poor slobs, the both of them. But I missed an important party for the kid because my client arrived 50 minutes late. This woman ruined my son's Halloween! My friend arranged the date - and she played with the kid during his witching hour (excuse the pun) as I dodged a million cell phone calls of the client's and a few tugs on my pant leg from the kid; I created just the right shape and slope of Liza's eyeliner (not easy on someone with tiny, close-set, in-set eyes), applied eyelashes on the uppers and lowers and did the best I could. I couldn't tell by the time I was done if she looked like Liza or if someone would say behind her back, "who's she supposed to be?" I was too close to it, it was hard to tell. But I think with Peter Allen on her arm, he'll be the other part of the costume and he'll make it work. Or not. I'm hoping that Liza would actually be at the party and then they could take pictures and show me, in fact, how good or bad I actually am.
A few years ago I did this guy as this wild blue witch with like silver shimmer and I heard that Mario Testino was all over this guy with his camera because he thought he looked great.
I'm always one or two people away from the really famous people. Always in the other room, listening in. Plus, I have a Nutrageous headache from eating Halloween Candy all fricking night because I didn't even have time to eat with all the hub bub. I feel toxic.
Roses, For Me?
kim | 31 October, 2005 09:43
Who doesn't love an entire birthday week? I just got roses this morning from my charming and delighful friend, the little goat!
This is My Blog, So...
kim | 29 October, 2005 23:07
I can say that I think Tom Ford is a over-prvileged brat that gets too much sex and that the world that he created for the rest of us to live in - that we were stupid enough to buy in to - and he is now scorning is really pissing me off. How can he say in Vogue that people who have money should have perfect teeth (and how is that supposed to make people with not that much money or no money feel? Let off the hook from being perfectly fashionable due to poverty? Have you seen the new Pleasures ad with Gwyneth? She had her teeth done by Lowenberg and Litchuy - they do not look like they do in the ad, why would they mess them up like that? And plus, they should coordinate all of their pr efforts, the Lauder people) and in W that people are too unnatural. That he likes plastic surgery but we've forgotton what it looks like to be a human being. In the meanwhile showing off his completely hot body that I'm sure he works for, although he did claim that his hairless ass was real. How are you a model and an arbiter of what mere mortals should look like? I will tell you what Ruth LaFerla was so so so kind enough not quote me in her article when I said that people will always follow the meanest person in the room. I should have added, and the hottest. Youth Dew Amber Nude sounds amazing, I want to slather myself in it, but don't forget that he's using the oldest trick in the book to lure you in and then shaming you for it.
It's My Birthday!!!!
kim | 29 October, 2005 22:48
I had the perfect day today! Much like my life before I had the kid, like I could go where I wanted and do what I wanted with whom I wanted. I had the greatest morning of pedicures, breakfast with buddies and working out. Like a regular day for people without children, a fact they will never understand, but whatever. Mike took me to a vegan restaurant since I'm trying to get back to my vegan roots, although grains and proteins and sugars will always be a problem for me, I'm just trying to eat 9 vegetables a day. Then we saw Doubt. And just so you know - if I wasn't married to Mike, I would be married to John Patrick Shanley. We ended the night by going to Sephora which is open until 12, where I looked for black glitter eyeliner but could not find it and so did not purchase anything. Makeup mania came over me, though, as I started picking up things I have always wanted to purchase but never have: Too Faced eye shadow duos, Urban Decay eye shadow palettes, Cargo lipglosses, Tarte blushing sticks, Holy Lord, I got swept up. And then I thought - what the hell are you doing? You're buying makeup retail? You are out of your mind. Even I can get caught up in the madness, but I stop myself, ladies. We must all buy makeup with a plan or we waste money. I really believe that. But that fricking Too Faced duo is stuck in my craw and I can't get it out, so I will have to order it. I'm such a sucker, but a birthday is not complete without one purchase of makeup.?
Drunk with Power
kim | 28 October, 2005 11:46
Sometimes when I wake up in the moring to work at the crack of ass, I am required to do the makeup of an ass. Specifically, someone I can't stand. Let's just say she's not a liberal. So, I had the good fortune this morning to have a makeup emergency that pushed back me doing her makeup. Through no fault of my own (I would never do?that on my own) I got to make that bitch sweat. And it was sweet. Muhahaahhaaahaaa!!!!
I Wuz Robbed
kim | 27 October, 2005 14:44
Okay, not only did somebody steal the name of my book, flip it around, partner with a makeup magazine to promote it and didn't even invite me to the party, now a very fancy department store has stolen the concept of my Spotlight interview (I did not invent the Q & A but I did put it in a certain context and ask certain questions that are almost copied verbatim). Where's my cut, yo?
Just you wait, you f-er's, when my novel is done, then I'm going to do my lipgloss line and I will only sell through my website and QVC. That will teach you.
Plus, someone stole my camera. I have no camera. I can barely breathe.
It's Never Too Late
kim | 26 October, 2005 23:43
Tonight I went to see a friend of mine, from my Bradley (natural childbirthing) Class, sing a little cabaret. She dedicated it to her mother, who is suffering from Alzheimer's disease. My friend has been taking care of her from afar, working some jobs, raising her son. She and her husband were both actors, trying to be actors, but I guess it never materialized for them. I know my friend once had an agent for her screenplays and that she is a great photographer. She's just all around talented but never really was able to focus on her art.
So this was called, Songs My Mother Sang, about her mother who had a beautiful voice but just sang in the kitchen to her kids. I guess she was just stuck and she didn't know how to unstick and now that she has Alzheimer's, it's too late. Every song was more poignant than the next. By the end, I was sobbing, but muffling my sobs. If I ever tell you that waterproof mascara at a wedding is a waste: don't listen to me. I have never been so moved to action, to finish my novel, to work on the showcase with another friend, to be the most fulfilled person I can be. Because if I can't live out my dreams, how will my kid be able to live out his dreams? And if I can't live out my dreams, what is going to happen to me? I mean, here we are living in America, is what I mean. I know I always bring up the refugee camp in Darfur and what's happening all over the world, because it is and sometimes I think we need to not take ourselves so seriously and at the same time recognize all the opportunity and good fortune we are surrounded by.
My birthday is on Saturday. It's not a birthday I am particularly looking forward to. It's a big one, not the big one, but yuck. Sometimes I feel too old to do anything. Which is me not practicing what I preach. Oh, my gosh. If you could have seen how beautiful my friend was. She is four years older than I and she could not have been more lovely, more beautiful, more measured. There is no way that a young person could have brought the gravitas, the sensuality and the voice needed to tell this very personal story of hers.
So now I want you to get up, get a pint of ice cream (no? Just me? I don't mind bingeing alone, don't worry) and pick up the one thing you always wanted to do. It's not too late now, but it might be one day. And you don't want your kid putting a bunch of songs together in a dark bar with a cover and a two drink minimum about how you lost the opportunities of your life. Do you?
The Story of the Mean Printing and Distributing Man
kim | 26 October, 2005 14:28
Once upon a time there was a very tired makeup artist who published a, um, parchment to help women not spend so much money on beautifiers. The man who printed and distributed her parchment around the kingdom was rude, never paid her on time and someone in the little hut in which they worked insulted the title. The parchment did reasonably well despite the main seller of the parchment in fact being the seat of evil - the factory which would lure townsfolk in and actually feed them to the town's dragon - the SAXon dragon; and tried to halt the sale of the book by losing the stock, throwing them in elevators or putting them on couters with no signs so they looked like very pretty brochures. Then the man who printed and distributed the parchment really, really hated paying the makeup artist and made every effort to make her feel like a total asshole every time she tried to get some money she was owed. She often considered if he were in cohoots with the SAXon dragon, but realized the world was just an evil place. The tired makeup artist and the man parted ways...until she found that not only was he printing and distributing another parchment by a perky English Major but that he had created parties with the name of her original parchment flipped around. So that he was not exactly stealing, but like all her dealings with him, were slimy, not quite on the up and up and grossed her out. And then she wrote about it in her blog.
kim | 26 October, 2005 10:04
is going to be doing makeup at the Giorgio Armani counter at Saks from the 27th to the 29th. He is incredible, the line is incredible and they have the absolute best mascara and foundation on the market. And translucent powder #2 is great for almost anyone (not darker than caramel) but then you can go darker if you need. And the lipsticks. And the glosses. And the blushes. And their Prive fragrances. All of it. Go buy it. You will not be disappointed. And it's not as expensive as you think. And pick me up something, my birthday's on the 29th.
Face Painting and Ethics
kim | 25 October, 2005 14:17
I swear this happened to me Sunday:? I volunteer every year for my Temple
to do face painting for underprivileged children. They called me up once. They
said, we heard you were a face painter. I said sure. They've been calling me up ever since. I like that they call me a face painter. Because that's what I sort of am.
So Sunday I went to this amazing shelter for homless families (family meaning any
child and any adult combination who constitute one unit) and they help them get on their
feet. These kids were so cute and sweet and delicious. One brother/sister team
helped me out by asking for a spider web and then teaching me how to do it (I
used eyeliner) and then I did it on every other boy in the whole place.
Spiderman, you know. The little girl had a rotting front tooth, though. In her
baby teeth, so I was dying inside. She wiggled her front bottom tooth and I could only pray that the rotting top one would come out and then they would start fresh.
I was deluged all morning by kids and their requests for spider webs and the occasional star, moon and heart; and then this GORGEOUS 15 year-old boy sat in front of
me. Chico. Light skinned black kid with gray-green eyes. All these kids were
between 3-10 and there were a few 12's and 13's, but he was the oldest. And to
make a long story short, he requested that I do his face in a full gang design
with his tag. And shit. All the kids around him were wide-eyed and going, oh
mah gawd! and no you di-ent! So that's how it all came up. Then I had a debate
with him: no it isn't, yes it is, no it isn't yes it is. I didn't want him to
get in trouble. I wanted to believe him that it wasn't. I couldn't ignore the
other kids. I didn't know what to do. I was stalling. My heart was beating
fast. Then, my rabbi came along. I told Chico that she was my spiritual advisor,
and would he mind if I brought it up with her. After hearing out the facts, she
asked if he would be willing to make a compromise: the face colors plus his
name, but instead of his tag, I could put a peace sign. He easily agreed and we
finished. I told him there was help, he didn't have to be in a gang. He said he
wasn't in one. I asked him if he was looking at colleges. Yeah, whichever ones
my moms says. He was a total manipulator. I am worried about him.
I am worried about all of them: the autistic boy whose mother will not let him out because she's afraid he will get hurt (ahem, it's called going outside with him), the six year-old girl with
the black front tooth who knows she has to say she is five or else she won't qualify for services, the 10 year old girl who won't put down her three year-
old sister who is smaller than my 21 month old son. I wanted to hold them all, keep
them safe, save them. Tell them it's not their fault. They were lovely, happy
and resilient, though. Just kids. I had the few hangers on that always hover
around the table, want more sparkles, shooting stars, tatoos - but mostly attention. I came with
face paint, but I gave them everything I had. And then, three hours later I
left. I feel like I did nothing. That it won't help. So they were spiderman for
a day. Big whoop. Who knows? Maybe spreading some paint around might help.
The Joys of Being a Mother AND a Daughter
kim | 22 October, 2005 12:36
Grammy: So, whenaya gonna let him go in the kitchen?
Me: What, are you his PR agent?
Grammy: No, no. I was just curious.
Me: When he knows that if he touches the stove it will burn him and if he eats Cascade it will kill him. Why, do you want him to make you a fruit salad?
If Dreams Were Wishes
kim | 21 October, 2005 12:47
HIII!!! I'ts Fakey Gotyoubytheballs! How are you? Sorry I didn't return your many emails and phone calls! But listen: I have this D-List client that I need makeup for at a complete discount. Yes, less money and then it will take you five months to get paid. The call time is :X at location :Y. Can't wait to see you!!!! Thanks!
It Was A Good Day
kim | 20 October, 2005 20:46
Today (in real time) I had this great job with this gorgeous gal whose makeup I did flawlessly, mostly because she is already beautiful and it would be really hard to mess it up. But also it was good. She is the unfortunate beneficiary of another woman's unending campaign to eat all the men in her path, past and present. I feel so badly for her in that way but she's strong, moved on and claiming her life. We had so much fun today, mostly sitting around eating much trafe (proscuitto slices with fresh mozzerlla) and decaf, making each other laugh and then me making her beautiful. I hope I get paid. And if I do, I hope it's in this year. La la.
kim | 19 October, 2005 22:01
I believe in our great country. I love it here. I am completely patriotic - I support our troops, but I don't think they should have gone where they did. I cry during the fireworks on July 4th. I am so grateful I was born in the 20th century (although my birthday is coming up and it feels like the 19th century) as a woman in America. I consider myself one of the luckiest people on earth. But do you think that people are perhaps not honoring the system? That in a free market society, perhaps greed takes over? Then, when the Unions justifiably come in, then the corruption virus finds its way in and destroys what was first pure?
These are the things that keep me up at night. I try to live in the world as a person with integrity and honesty. But when the system is faulty and benefitting some people that are perhaps not deserving of it, how do you stay connected to the system? I feel a little out of sorts today. I had to take a personal stand on what I feel is corrupt, but that did not make me a better citizen, neccessarily. I am wracked with guilt.
The Incomparable Lyss Stern!
kim | 18 October, 2005 23:57
Check out my interview with the delicious, Divalysscious, Lyss Stern
Drugs Are Bad
kim | 17 October, 2005 14:06
Hmmm...how do I say this. There was once a boy who I knew in childhood, maybe at around 9 we started knowing each other. His mother was really out there, like a hippie, but more...kooky. Me and my divorced mom mostly saw him and his divorced mom because we lived near each other. My father had long since skipped town and his lived in a suburb with a new, younger, prettier, less kooky wife. Me and the boy, because we lived close together, spent alot of time together. His kooky mom made the most delicious, irregular ice cream candy cakes for my birthday which I see now was a beautiful gesture on her part. He was a really good friend. One of the best.
Fast forward to a little older and there was some experimental close-mouthed kissing with Gilda Radner, Chevy Chase and Jon Belushi doing their bits on the original Saturday Night Live. The summer after he came home from camp, there was the addition of the tongue, that being the first real time that had ever happened for me. As time marched on, there were more activities added with the addition of more tongue in beds or on the floors of basements, really, it was such a heady time. I would be more specific about it maybe in a short story, but suffice it to say - it was fun. Then we were older teenagers, out of touch for a long time. Somehow, back in touch, I guess we wanted to stay in better touch, and a high-stakes proposition was...propositioned. Let's just say it was not very successful until he smoked a bunch of pot and by then I had had enough. It was a disastrous experience only made worse by him leaving me at a suburban train station at about 1 am on a subsequent date when I shlepped up to see him in the Battle of the Bands, of which his band was, like, 32nd in a lineup of 50 or some stupid bullshit like that.
That was the end of that.
Until today when he picked me up in his taxi. No shit. I didn't say anything. I wanted to call my friend who made out with his friend a lifetime ago and shout it out, but I didn't know if I wanted him to see me. He looked bad. Long hair, greasy, tired and, well, he coughed alot. Which leads me to believe that he's a huge pothead now. For a moment I felt responsible. Did I emasculate him to the point of turning him to drugs? No, his mother was totally Oedipal with him and she even told me once that she didn't mind feeling that way. There is no way that I could compete with that damage. But what to do? Nothing. Just steal peeks out of the corner of my eye at my messy past, have compassion for it, but move on. I gave him a slightly big tip. I felt bad for him but maybe I shouldn't. He looked like a zonked out kooky person. I miss the little boy, but his momma can have him now.
kim | 12 October, 2005 07:04
Greetings from my insane mind. I have been up since 2:00 this morning, preparing for a semi-unsolicited audition tape for a show where I would shill for any number of different cosmetics manufacturers. But I hope I get the job. I lost my morals at the door of the kid's preschool tour. And you people are not hiring me, so I need to make some cash.
Makeup Artist Do's and Don'ts
kim | 11 October, 2005 06:23
Do: Show up to work on time, whether is 4 or 6 am, 2 pm in the rain or 11 am at a hotel for a wedding.
Don't: Show up with coffee breath, carry mints. And extra coffee, because you are going to need it this weekend, sister.
Do: Touch up your makeup just in case you are called to appear on air for a makeover segment as a frenzied makeup artist getting the out of towners who lucked out to get the famous hairstylist to change their frumpy hairstyles ready for their segment.
Don't: Gossip about how bitchy that famous stylist is.
Do: Chat with the guests.
Don't:Talk to one of the hosts. In fact, don't even look at her. Avert your gaze off to the left.
Do: Apply liquid liner to a host.
Don't: Lose your liquid liner and MacGuyver black shadow over Bobbi Brown gel liner in Hunter (green). Although, it really does work in a pinch. But it is not reccomended.
Do: Be kind to your private clients who are suffering from terminal illnesses. Listen carefully, give encouragement, love, and an elbow to lean on as you walk together through the aisles of department stores.
Don't: Really get into the specifics unless she offers.
Do: Create beautiful bridal makeup for your fourth job in one weekened.
Don't: say much to Clint, the dumb-but-unbelievably-gorgeous-just-off-the-bus bell hop as he helps you with your suitcase filled with makeup upstairs. But do suggest to the bride that she is not married yet, she's got two hours, so if she wants a happy ending with Clint in the bathroom, you can work the hair and makeup around that schedule.
Don't: Put bronze shimmer on a bride, use the silvery tones so they match the dress.
Do: Nod your head in understanding and agreement with the bride that her family members are kooky.
Don't: Suggest, no matter how tired you are and how familiar you feel with her, that a certain member get tested for Alzheimer's. You will be cringing about it all week.
Do: Add some individual lashes to the ends of your eyes in between jobs.
Don't: Let one of them float around in the tub during your son's bath. Scoop it out and throw it away.
Notes From A Cab To Work at 3:45 am
kim | 09 October, 2005 05:45
Hussein Mohammed, my trusty cab?driver,?is on the phone.?Who else could be awake right now?
The taxi smells always like a bar. I step in gingerly hoping not to put my foot in puke.
This is a first: the buckle of the seatbelt is wet - did the drunk person practice safety in his blackout? Obviously there was no heavy making out in the cab between ?the previous passengers. Not that I know anything about that sort of thing.
MOTHERF***ER!!! Exclaims a blonde, seven foot tall drunken?college student?with crew cut and a tall boy in his hand?standing on a corner. He is waiting for his other tall friend who, because of his modesty, no doubt, relieved himself between two cars just slightly yonder.
Oh, the street is closed, we have to go around totally out of our way. Fine. I leave just enough time to get there in a straight shot, I didn't count on traffic problems before 4:00 am on Sunday.
A block away from work, a tall black homeless?man with?a scrubby graying beard and a green?cardigan hanging from his skeletal frame?shuffles by my cab against the red light?as if in a daze with his one hand in a half open prayer, like Christ.
The sun has not yet risen.
The Life of a Freelance Makeup Artist Is...
kim | 09 October, 2005 03:18
insane. This weekend: four jobs. Two down, two to go. Huff, huff.
That Reminds Me...
kim | 06 October, 2005 22:47
The other day, and by that I mean somewhere between yesterday and two years ago on the "don't blog about work" time continuum, I was powdering a famous writer and we were talking about the United States' policy on Israel. The writer called it "Judaist." And I almost said to published (head writer of fabulous publication and author of at least two novels) writer: what the frick are you talking about, you dumb-ass? That's not even a word you college drop out! And then I said, "Um, Zionist?" and writer said, "yeah." and I almost said, "Why don't you just call me kyke to my face?" and instead I said, "Oh, my goodness, I think you have to go on air now! Better hurry along, cutie! Have a great show!"
Or something like that.
Notes From The Crack of Ass
kim | 06 October, 2005 20:53
This Rosh Hashana, instead of not working, I worked. But it was at the crack of ass, poonk -right in the middle of the Jewish day, at 5:00 am for a woman who is divorced and Conservadox and she had her kids that day, so I was actually doing someone a service. Better I should help her. And, plus, I wasn't paying them, they were paying me.
But I was working in a building that I swore I would never work in because I am morally opposed (can you imagine?) to that building. My morals, however, have been washed down the sink like so much foundation from a foundation brush after a particularly thick and frothy application. So sad.
A few things I learned on my two days at work: they guy who is in charge, the guy whose family bought and installed those voting machines with no paper trail and the ability to be tampered with? Is insane. He will stop at nothing to employ the military. Soon you might see the military deployed in the New York City Public School System. Maybe he will say that God told him to take Randi Weingarten down. Who knows? She sort of is in the way of getting teachers to work under worse conditions with less pay and less insurance.? It's seemed so reasonable in the past, but when you start mentioning getting the military in to enforce a quarantine for a flu that isn't here yet and you just let thousands of people who are obviously irrelevant to you drown for five days? I'm so confused.
Also, I think the reason why everyone is working so hard is because everything is getting really expensive plus we think we need alot of stuff. Then you're on this hamster wheel and you don't have time to do anything about invading countries and stuff. I think that's by design from the top.
There's no free lunch: unless you're next to a green room from 5-12, and then you can eat the danish, fruit and hazelnut coffee all morning long if there are no guests but you will get fat.
It's hard to concentrate on my novel in a make up room.
I've still got it. In fact, my work is getting better with age. So that's nice. Because, boy, am I aging.
Happy New Year!
kim | 03 October, 2005 11:55
Tonight is the beginning of the Jewish New Year (if you don't count Selichot, which we did not because we can't stay up past 8:00 pm these days) so to all my Jewish friends, may I say a happy and a healthy new year to you and your families! And to my non-Jewish friends, what the heck - happy new year, anyway! It's always nice to take stock of your gifts and faults, keep the good, chuck the bad and make peace with yourself, God and the people you done wrong whether you're Jewish or not. So, happy personal stock-taking, everyone!